Concrete Room

I sat in the corner of the room for what felt like days, but I just couldn’t remember anything about myself. I remembered the feeling of being conscious before this moment, I remembered having a life outside of this dim, empty room, but I just couldn’t think of how that life went, or how my previous state of consciousness was used in that life. As far as I could tell, I had no name, I knew nobody, and nobody knew me. This didn’t feel like it could be real, but the only thing I could truly feel besides the cold, concrete floor under my thighs was a nagging sense of isolation.

The room was made of clean, fresh concrete, in what seemed to be the exact shade of grey that could make a person feel absolutely nothing by staring at it. Not boredom, not disgust, just nothing. It was a perfect cube, and I couldn’t really say how big it was, because depending on my mood it either felt like three cubic meters or three cubic feet. Why am I here? How did I get here? These are questions that normal people may ask if they found themselves in a room like this. But for a reason I can’t quite explain, I felt like I was supposed to be here. I didn’t want to, hell no - it just felt like this was where I should be.

I stared up at the dim light bulb that hung from the ceiling by a thin, frayed wire. It was my only source of comfort in this room, and so I kept staring at it, studying its shape, noticing how the glass curved, and finding new things that I could appreciate. There was so little to feel in this room, other than the floor I sat on and the wall I leaned against. It seemed as if I could actually feel the light caressing my skin. I rolled onto my stomach so that it could reach my back, and the rough floor scratched at my legs and pulled at the short, thin hairs. I rested my head on my arms and closed my eyes, basking in the only comfort that this room had to offer.

As my eyes were closed, I began to see movement in the darkness. Shapeless creatures danced for me, shifting colors, vanishing when I tried focusing on them specifically. I knew it was my brain trying to make up for the lack of sensation I experienced, but I didn’t care. I was enjoying it. These blob-like creatures felt real to me. They were the only things in this room that felt alive.

My eyes opened and I turned around. Creatures still remained in my vision - dark, lurking creatures that huddled in a corner of the room. I stood up, and they all separated, coming closer. There was something about them that drew me to them, and I wanted to speak to them, but when I opened my mouth, only air came out. One of them - the tallest one - looked right at me, and I stared into its eyes, seeing nothing but warmth and amiability. I felt like I had made a friend.

The tall creature stared at me with deep blue eyes - eyes that felt like windows to another universe. The other creatures danced in circles around us. I spun around, trying to keep up with them. When I stopped spinning, the room felt as if it was moving, yet the tall creature remained stationary. It reached an arm out to me, beckoning me to touch its hand, and so I slowly, shakily reached out to touch it. I really, truly wanted to befriend it. It was offering me comfort, and its cohorts were offering me entertainment, so how could I decline?

My hand passed through like nothing was there, and the sudden snap to reality caused every creature to fade and vanish. That was my friend. Those were my FRIENDS! My only friend in this miserable place, taken away from me! I glanced swiftly around the room in panic. I was alone. There was nothing. NOTHING. The sound of my heartbeat grew louder and louder, amplifying more with every passing second, every sensation growing more overwhelming, until I could feel every blood cell rush down my veins like river rapids. The rough texture of the floor felt like icy spines digging into my bare feet. Everything hurt. Everything hurt too much. Everything felt too intense to be real. I knew I was going insane. Insane. Yes. I was going insane. Or maybe I wasn’t. I don’t know. Is an insane person ever aware they’re insane? I don’t know. I don’t really care.

I started to run back and forth. It was all I could do. Standing still made me feel like I was about to explode. I ran, pacing quickly, slapping the concrete wall with my bare hands and chest. I could not stay in here any longer. No. NO. I began to scream. Or, at least, it felt like I was screaming. I imagine that the only sound that I emitted was a strained wheeze. I didn’t know how to use this voice that I have.

I began to hit my head against the hard wall. I needed to get my brain to calm down. I needed it to shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP. STOP. I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. I let out another strained wheeze, trying to scream, but my throat was beginning to hurt. It felt like every scream was a cactus being forced up my throat from my lungs. I took a breath, grit my teeth, and hit my head one last time on the wall. This last impact resonated through the concrete, and caused the light bulb's frail wire to snap, causing the light bulb to fall and shatter I was left in complete darkness with the intense sound of shattering glass ringing through my head.

I had to stop my movements and stare off into the black void for a few moments. That sound - it cut through all the noise in my head, it snapped me out of my state of panic, and it was the first time in a long time that I had heard anything that felt real. And yet, it made the whole situation even more uncomfortable. It made me feel like I was nothing but an apparition, listening to the sounds of the universe. It felt like I don’t exist. I’m dead. I must be dead. The sounds feel real, but my body doesn’t. The walls don’t. I see nothing. I’m trapped, floating through space.

Suddenly, I jolted. It felt like a foot was forming in thin air, out of pure electricity. The shock rushed from that foot, up a leg, down another, into a torso and arms, into a head that I forgot I had. I could feel my humanity returning to me, but in reality, it never left. It was simply being suffocated by silence and constant, unchanging sensations, and that jolt returned me to reality. I could still feel it. In fact, it’s starting to feel like pain. Intense pain. I sat down and felt around the foot where the jolt began.

What I felt were three jagged shards of the broken light bulb, all stuck deep in the sole of my left foot. This feeling was unpleasant, yes, but I couldn’t help but keep feeling around the area, letting the shards create the slightest amount of friction that would set off my nerves. This pain I felt really brought me back to reality. I’m alive. The pain reminded me I’m alive.

I slowly took the shards out of my foot, one at a time, and ran my hand across the cuts. Each was a different size and produced a different sensation when I touched them. I felt a warm, sticky residue on my hand - blood. All these feelings - the jolt of pain, the grooves in my foot, the blood - I experienced more sensations in the span of a minute than I had in a very long time. Pain felt like a wake-up call rather than a punishment. Any sensation I felt truly made me feel alive and well, and that was what mattered. I was finally content for once.

“She’s regaining consciousness.”

I whipped my head around. I could have sworn I just heard a voice. But it didn’t matter. I felt alive, and no mysterious voice could take that from me.

“What observations did you take?”

I heard another voice. Reality was starting to fade again. I felt my fist clenching on its own, and when I tried to shake it off and move it again, it wouldn’t budge. It felt like I was chained down. The room was starting to fade around me, and the colors and fuzz in my vision were starting to settle again.

I looked down to see that I was wearing a white robe. My body was tied down against… a slab of clean concrete. But I didn’t panic. I’ve been here before. I felt like I knew what this place was, and why I was in that situation. Be patient, Mandy. It will be okay, I thought to myself. Yes. My name was Mandy.

A person in a lab coat appeared before me. I couldn’t tell if they were a man or a woman because of the mask they wore. “We will be starting the next test soon. Sit tight,” they said in a soft voice.

Not like I have much of a choice, I thought. Now I remembered - I was being experimented on. That room I was in was the work of a machine injecting a different reality into my brain. The whole thing felt like a nightmare, yet… that room felt like my home. I wanted to go back to it.

Perhaps I really was going insane. When I volunteered to take part in a “psychological experiment,” I figured it’d be something fun, interesting, and educational. Instead, I got something that terrified me and made me question everything. I never want to volunteer for anything ever again. I just want to go home. Not to my house, but to that room. I want the light bulb back. I want the ignorance I once had.

It doesn’t matter, anyway. It was only a matter of time before I’d forget everything again.